To cope or not to cope?

My world has definitely changed within the past few weeks, in fact, the life of my whole family has changed.  Somehow, I seem to be the most affected emotionally.. . .and not for the better, I'm afraid. At first, I was doing well.   I was going along with the somber moods of the surgeons and physicians, relaying news to Luke who was hundreds of miles away and "entertaining" those who came to visit with us in the hospital.  I was doing great!  And then it hit me at one instant....Now, not a day goes by without me ranging in emotions from desperation to helplessness to uncontrollable sadness.

".....Heaven's kindness will never depart from you, regardless of what happens......Bad days come to an end, faith always triumphs, and heavenly promises are always kept."

--Jeffrey R. Holland--

I've been asked by many how I am doing.  Truly, I don't know.  I thought that I could handle this and much more but I was so wrong.  So incredibly wrong. I've tried to tell myself that this to shall pass and that life will continue but maybe without the input from me.  I'll be riding on the coat tails of everyday events and seeing where to go from there with a box of Kleenex close by.

Yesterday was one of the worst days and today seems to be right up there with it.  I run all of the scenarios through my mind for what seems minute to minute--surgeries to come, hemorrhage, thromboses in deadly parts of anatomy and the worst fear of all, Sarah not being here with us.  Mind you, we've had that possibility for years and in fact, we knew that was the prospective for her when we started the foster/adopt program but it's one that we've never liked but did accept.

 Her heart surgery is somewhat dependent on her activity tolerance and she seems to be weakening more every day.  This, in itself, scares me to no end.  We've been duly warned that this next open heart surgery will probably be the roughest in her life.  One that is known to us from her cardiologist as "an ugly one."  The details are too much for anyone but know that she will most likely have her pulmonary valve, right ventricle to pulmonary valve conduit and most definitely her aortic valve replaced.  With this surgery, she will have her coronary arteries transplanted and replaced-a potential for a heart attack to her intraoperatively among other issues.  All in all, an ugly one.

For now, though, I have to concentrate on the good days and accept the not so good days.  Enjoy the moments of smiles and cuddles, memories of days gone by and embracing those that are to come.  Thankfully, I have a vivid memory and lots of pictures to help me get through these days.  More importantly, I have the never ending support from my love, Luke and the sweetness of my girls to get me by.

Our sweet family in early November 2010.